Writing an Obituary

Today – Obituary Planning and Writing

by Dana Kuhn, Lasting Reflection

I was standing in a hallway at the Carlsbad Senior Center before my “Crafting Meaningful Obituaries” workshop, ready to greet attendees and perhaps persuade a passerby to join us. Two women, one in her 50s/60s and another in her 70s/80s, were looking around. The daughter said they had “just joined” and were seeing “what’s happening.” I told them about my program. The older woman said, “Not today.”

“Not today,” the daughter echoed. In two words, they summarized the resistance I face in trying to get people to prepare for an obituary. It reminded me of a line in the movie Groundhog Day. Phil (played by Bill Murray) repeatedly tries to save an old, homeless man from death. A nurse says, “Some people just die,” to which Phil responds, “Not today.”

Of course, today did come for the old man, as it will for all of us. And when it comes, survivors face a litany of challenges: emotional, legal, financial, and logistical. The writing of an obituary is never in the top 5 of priorities and often not in the top 10. When it does crawl its way to the top of the list, the poor, unprepared writer has little time or guidance and is probably working in the genre for the first time. The result is understandable. Most family-written obituaries are just ok. They lack engaging leads. They focus on facts, presented in chronological order, overshadowing personality. They lack anecdotes, the stories within our life stories that both form and reflect us. They rarely have quotes, testimonials from friends and colleagues that flesh out the character.

But there is a solution.

First is preparation. If you are the subject, use a form to compile what I call “the basics.” List places, dates, relatives, jobs, education, accomplishments, etc. Don’t think of it as writing. Think of it as data. Whoever does write your obituary will be eternally grateful for the head start. It will allow them to focus on the more important stuff – the essence of you.

If the subject is someone else and you sense that they are uncomfortable with the idea of an obituary, tell them you want to write a mini biography. Explain that you need to start with the facts and then use a form to make sure you get all the data you or someone else will need.

The second step is writing the obituary. That can be “today” as well! Would it surprise you to learn that large news outlets have obituaries already written for hundreds, perhaps thousands, of still-living famous or influential people? Those “advance obituaries” capture the bulk of the person’s life and can be updated quickly when needed. Then the newswriter doesn’t have to research and describe whatever made the subject famous in the 1990s. It’s already covered. The writer can focus on reporting recent facts, obtaining quotes, and getting the obit published within hours.

To get to the essence of a person, I suggest you include:

Everyone has stories. Which one says the most about a person?
Active voice. Limit use of “to be” (e.g., “is, was”).
The subject likely had an important impact on others. Get them to tell you about it. Better yet, have them write it out.
Specific details. Saying someone was generous or kind is unconvincing. Who did they help? What impact did it have? Support the assertion.
Literary devices. A well-phrased metaphor can enliven your writing.
Careful editing. Anecdotes and quotes take up space. Make room for them with concise writing. Every word must earn its space.
A recurring theme, perhaps revealed in the lead and revisited later.
What you want an unborn generation to know. A person’s legacy is the difference they made.